ramblings...

I'm going to be honest and vulnerable here...I'm struggling. Since I have been back from Nigeria, my walk with God has not been what it was and what it should be. I hate that. There is one part of me that completely desires and longs for it passionately and the other part of me is selfish, proud, lazy and full of guilt and self-loathing. This is what the Bible refers to, as the two natures(my old“man”:the sinful,selfish,old way of thinking and living and the new“man”:Christ living in me and giving me everything I need to live a Spirit-led,victorious life), which Paul so vividly and honestly describes in Romans 7:13-25.

I don't know how it is so easy for me to forget how completely full of joy, peace and love I am when I am living a life focused on Christ! I do know though, that I can't wait till I, “feel”, like reading the Word, or talking to God...I need to just do it and let the feelings follow...and they will. Not that I really need to worry about feelings...I can cling to facts and truth that Christ has given me, us.

I need only to read in my journal to remember how completely and utterly God can make his will and heart, my own...

“This has been the most eye-opening,life changing,mind and heart altering week of my entire life. All of my life,even during Bible school, I have lived with my Christian mediocrity way of living, my inconsistency,half-halfheartedness,self-loathing,guilt,etc. I've never known how to deal with, in a practical way, the daily, hourly,desires of my flesh and my desire to live an all out, 100% for God, life. How can I have such a desire to live like the Amy Carmichaels and the Gladys Alwards, yet struggle to even open my Bible or talk to my Father for an entire week? How can I have it both ways? What am I missing?

I have felt the tugs of a set-apart, separate from the world, Christ centered, living before and at some points was very willing yet I lacked an understanding and eventually would lose the motivation and passion.

But never before have I understood it, what it truly means and the effect that truly dying to self and seeking, actually seeking Christ, would have.

The understanding sort of happened by”accident”. I wasn't necessarily searching for an answer. I finally decided to do something to get me in the Word on a daily basis so me and my dear friend, Heather, bought a devotional on Ephesians. About the same time heather had listened to some podcasts by a Christian leader/author that I had told her about but had not yet listened to myself. One day she passionately and tearfully told me what God was doing in her life as a result of the message of these podcasts.

Later that week I started Ephesians and also listened to the podcasts...it was like blinders had been pulled off my eyes! It was so “easy”, so obvious...like looking for your car keys frantically when you've had them in your hands the entire time! Why had I never grasped what I had been missing? It's been staring me in the face from the Bible(had I been reading it), had I taken time to understand and take it literally like I claim to. The new testament makes it very clear that WE CANNOT SERVE 2 MASTERS, FOR WE WILL HATE ONE AND LOVE THE OTHER, that we must DIE TO SELF, that we CANNOT LOVE THE THINGS OF THIS WORLD,we CANNOT ASSOCIATE WITH THE THINGS OF THIS WORLD WHILE SEEKING CHRIST. I cannot be consumed with unholy,perverted,filthy,things of this world while wanting to be consumed with a holy,righteous,sinless God! I cannot have both the world AND Christ!

Why would I ever wonder what was coming between me and God, why I wasn't in love and wholly devoted to my Savior and King, why I couldn't get out of the rut of mediocrity?

Every part of my day is about ME, from morning until I go to sleep. I have good morals, higher standards and don't agree with the things I listen to and watch(which somehow makes it ok?)and consider myself a devoted follower of Christ but how different is my life from non-believers, really?

By the grace and prodding of God, my eyes have been opened this week to see that the only way to live a set-apart, joy filled,complete life that we are meant and able to have, is to literally set myself apart from this world and completely dive in, saturate, and seek Christ, His Word and his heart, and I cannot have idols and do this at the same time. An idol is anything that I am consumed with and choose over God (tv,computer,music,friends). Because if I took even HALF the time that I used indulging in these other thing,s on digging in God's Word or prayer or serving others, I would know my Jesus so much better, understand his heart, and realize that I can never give into self and Christ at the same time. When I choose one, I am rejecting the other.

I've gone back and forth with thoughts of, 'is this too radical..legalistic..extreme?', 'how will I relax?'... Its not that all worldly things are wrong or sinful, but I would be foolish not to admit that these things have become idols to me...and that is sinful. What it comes down to is, am I willing to give up the momentary pleasures and selfish things for the life-altering, pure joy,Christ-filled life that I can have? That he wants and enables us to have? In His presence is fullness of joy!”

(please check out Leslie Ludy's book, “Set Apart Femininity”, check out her website, http://setapartgirl.com/home.html  or subscribe to her 3 part podcast that is available on i-tunes for a WAY more in-depth and life-changing explanation of my ramblings!)