Tuesday, June 4, 2013

"I can't do this on my own, I am giving You control"

My visa is headed my way and scheduled to arrive by 10:30 in the morning! I can still hardly believe it! It's been over 7 months since I started the process and almost 4 months since I was scheduled to be in Nigeria. I am overjoyed! But, that wasn't the case this morning. 

:Ever have a moment/memory/day that you just need to file away so that you don't forget it? Today was one of those days for me. This is probably completely boring and insignificant to the blog world. I'm completely okay with no one but me ever seeing/reading this post. But I still need to write it for me:

This morning I woke up feeling so stressed and anxious and physically, not doing too great. I woke up not happy with the agency I used to get my visa because they hadn't got back with me in 2 weeks. I was prepared to make as many calls and leave as many voice mails as needed, to ensure that I heard from someone today, about why the scheduled date for it to be shipped, had been pushed back every day, for the past 8 days. 

I felt too ill to even make the calls first thing so I laid down and prayed that God would take the pain away, because I just had too much to do today, and that I would know something regarding my visa today. The pain became tolerable (and eventually ceased) so I called every number I had for the agency (emails haven't been responded to) and left voice mails, feeling discouraged. As I chatted with my sister while waiting to get a call back, the tears started falling uncontrollably. I felt so foolish but it was just a breaking point. The stress of having so much to do before I left but not being 100% certain that my visa was even coming, having no motivation without the visa, not hearing from anyone, being sick, financial burdens, and the dreaded thought that maybe it wouldn't come and I'd have to keep waiting...it actually felt very relieving to cry.

And it pushed me to the point of just wanting Christ. I knew I didn't have control over much of the situation and I knew that regardless of the outcome, I really want what He wants. So I made myself some coffee and went outside with my Bible to have some time with Jesus. I opened it up to Hebrews and started reading...and didn't get very far. My mind was so full of other things and as hard as I tried to focus on the text, I just wasn't getting anything out of it. I was frustrated at myself for not being "spiritual" enough to read and get something life-changing or at least attitude-changing from it. 

I looked up from my Bible and just looked at the sky and the backyard and was hit with what I guess I was wanting from reading the Bible...a revolutionary thought. Except it wasn't revolutionary at all. It was more of a "Duh!" moment. 

It hit me that whether or not I read my Bible (of course I'm not advocating that anyone does not!) or get much out of it when I do (I know I can't be the only one that doesn't come away feeling challenged or encouraged every time. Sometimes you just have those blah times), that He is still present and He can still speak to me. He dwells inside of me and I have instant access to His throne. He can talk to me (I pray that I listen), teach me, instruct me, convict me, encourage me, and direct me...all from His dwelling place inside of me. Yes He uses His Word to do these things too which is why we have to keep reading, even on those hard days that can feel pretty dry. This isn't a new concept to me. It was just one of those times that something became so real and personal to me, exactly at the right moment. 

I sat there in awe of Him, His presence inside of me, and His presence in nature. I gazed around me and marveled at the hundreds (thousands?) of varieties of grasses, flowers, plants, and trees, just within plain view. I was so thankful that we have a God who, even if we were to be thrown in prison with no access to scripture, we would still hear from!

I laid my head back to cry out and take it all in and just then heard the chorus of a song playing from inside:(Leeland, "I Cry")

  • "I cry,
  • Are You out there tonight?
  • Or am I all alone?
  • This time it’s the fight of my life.
  • So I cry,
  • I can’t do this on my own!
  • I can’t do this on my own!
  • I am giving You control!" 

  • How timely. When I finally went back inside, I won't pretend that I didn't have any anxiousness, but I was so refreshed and encouraged. I noticed that I had a voice mail but my phone had never rang. A minute later my phone actually rang and it was someone from the passport and visa agency telling me that they had just called but to disregard the voice mail. She told me that they hadn't been in touch because of some sort of shifting around of people or programs or something-I wasn't really paying attention-and that the visa was in the mail and being overnight-ed to me...
  • All I could think, was that if they had been in touch with me like they should have been or even if my phone had rang when she had called me earlier, I never would've experienced that place of crying(literally) out to God or had my "Duh!" moment with Him. And again I'm left speechless and in awe because He is God and His ways are so much bigger than me and He can control the way seemingly insignificant things happen, just to give us those Aha! moments and strengthen our faith in Him. 

  • And I'm left saying, "I can't do this on my own, I am giving You control", and I hope that I remember it this time. 
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